More than one friend has accused me of never crying. I wish they could look inside my head and see the impressive machinery of titanium gears and locks I’ve constructed to keep the tsunami at bay. I’m saving us all from the epic swell of my emotions. Global economies could be destroyed, people. Or I could be. At least I have some idea that that’s why I needed to build it in the first place.
Shit happens to all of us when we’re kids, and we build our various fortifications and machines accordingly--which is pretty ingenious of children if you think about it--but the thing about how a kid’s brain works is that function follows design. We build our edifices out of the best materials and make them bigger, stronger, higher than is necessary. And when we no longer need them, they remain as monuments to our past. I am deconstructing mine. Some days I get a blowtorch and some days I get a chisel, so I’m asking everyone to bare with me.
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I do cry, by the way.
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As I get older I recognize more and more the importance of letting people in, of sharing, especially with people I love, so I am trying harder. The effort can be disorienting, overwhelming, mentally/physically/emotionally exhausting and it scares the shit out of me. But that’s okay. I’m not getting out of this alive, impressive machinery or no, and neither are you. Right now the main point for me is to do right by myself and the people I love, and to recognize, be okay with, and ultimately enjoy the fact that I don't have any answers.
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An artist must allow his/her heart to be broken. Every time it breaks, there is a rip or laceration. And when it heals, there is a scar. But each time that it breaks, and heals, and scars and breaks again, it grows just a little bit larger and can encompass just a little bit more. Indeed, it must encompass more, if it is to break again. This is one way to understand the world.
I can't remember if I made that up or if I heard it somewhere. I guess it doesn't matter much.
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